tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 6, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
thompson. >> have a >> stephen: so explain this to me. in the simirillian, there is a grorfindle whoidize, but in the fellowship of the ring in the fight to the ford, there is another elford named galorad findle, is that the same guide? >> no hablos english. captioning sponsored by cbs >> tonight, stephen welcomes lily tomlin kumail nanjiani and a performance by comedian ryan hamilton. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late
show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. thank you so much. thank you so much, everybody. i am stephen colbert and i am so excited because this weekend is the kentucky derby, the one day a year when it's legal to bet on three-year-olds. last year's derby and triple crown winner, american pharoah, retirement. look at this headline.
"american pharoah is already a champion at the stud life, too." that' that's right, he is-- to use a popular euphemism-- good at sex. apparently, american pharaoh breeds in the morning, the afternoon, and sometimes even at 6:00 p.m., each time with a different mare. that is a lot of awkward "trots of shame." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) three times a day. i do not envy the jockey that has to ride him the whole time, or the guy announcing it: "and american pharaoh is comin' up from behind. and he's still coming up from behind. and he really seems to like it back there." ( laughter ) and he's letting her finish
first. and-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's just polite. it's just nice. speaking of kentucky, k.f.c. has just released fried-chicken- flavored nail polish. it is finger lickin' possibly toxic. ( laughter ) personally, i think it's fitting to make our fingers taste like chicken, because given how fast most of us plow through k.f.c., we don't stop untill we get to the wrist. you know what else is delicious, jon batiste and stay human. say hi. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, jon, i didn't
get a chance to say hi to you, shake your hand at the top of the show. >> jon: yeah, man, i miss that when we don't do that. >> stephen: do you want to do it ?o. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i'll meet you in the middle, meet you in the middle. ( applause ) ( cheers ) no i'm ready to do the show. you know, mother's day is coming up this weekend, or as most people put it, this weekend! ( laughter ) you're welcome, by the way. of course, finding just the right mother's day card can be difficult. but even if you find it, it didn't start that way. somebody had to write the sentiment on the card, and they don't always get it right on the first try. so tonight we're going to look at some of the early drafts of mother's day cardses in our first segment "first drafts."
>> no, stupid. >> stephen: now, this what we're about to do here is a good old-fashioned talk show desk piece, meaning i'm going to hold up pictures of the mother's day cards and then they're going to have jokes on them. this really calls for somebody who help me out, and who better to help me out here at the desk for mother's day than a mom. are there moms here tonight? ( cheers and applause ) let's see, can we-- can we see? can we-- are you a mom? are you a mom right there? do you want to-- do you want to come up on stage? >> oh, gosh. >> stephen: what's your name? >> wendy coralet. >> stephen: wendy coralet, are you alone? >> yes, i. >> stephen: wow. come on up. that was fast. wow. wow, thank you very much. wendy, thank you so much for doing this. come on up here. wendy, wendy coralet, everybody.
( cheers and applause ) happy mother a day, wendy. >> thank you, thank you very much. >> stephen: if it's going to be mother's day, you need a mimosa! >> yes! >> stephen: okay. and here's some scones. there you go. >> whoa! cheers. >> stephen: mmm. mmm. what we're going to do here is you're going to be my sidekick right now, okay, mom? >> all right. >> stephen: and you're going to hand me these cards as i call for them one at a time. are you ready to do this? >> yes. >> stephen: do you have any plans for mother's day yourself? >> my sisters and my mother are out here, and we're going to rock new york city. >> stephen: you are going to rock new york city. >> we are going to rock new york city, you bet. >> stephen: where are you from? >> we're from wisconsin. >> stephen: i can't tell upon i would never have guessed. where in wisconsin? >> i live in fall river,
wisconsin. about 25 miles north and east of madison. >> stephen: that's good country. >> beautiful. >> stephen: that's cheese country. >> yes, it is, badgers. >> stephen: everywhere is cheese country in wisconsin. >> you're right. >> stephen: hand me the first one. in first drafts we look at first drafts perfect it became the thing you know and love. here are first drafts of mother's day cards. here's a nice one with a picture of some flowers that says, "thanks for being a great mom." but the first draft said, happy mother's day. thanks for having sex with dad. you know what, might be a nice card for dad to send, too. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: pace yourself. pace yourself, wendy. here's another one. this one says, "happy belated mother's day."
but the first traft said, "sorry, i didn't remember it was mother's day. but you forgot to pick me up after band practice in 7th grade. payback's a bitch. wendy, how many kids do you have? >> i have three children. >> stephen: three children. have you ever forgotten them anywhere? >> yes. >> stephen: is it something you'd like to share with us? >> no, no. >> stephen: i'm taig that one, ready? all right. here's a card that says, "i'm so lucky you're my mom!" but the original draft had on the inside, "but stop calling before 9:00 a.m. i thought someone died." that's true. when family-- when family calls early in the morning, late at night, you think it's going to be bad news, never going to be good. what your kids' names. >> jason, and aaron. >> stephen: is aaron a boy or a girl. >> and i have three grandsons.
>> stephen: get out! you have a grandson already? >> i do. it will be three soon. >> stephen: it will be three? what's your husband's name? >> patrick. >> stephen: patrick. you're doing a great job, by the way. >> thank you. >> stephen: here's one with a cute picture of a mother deer and a baby deer and it says, "to a wonderful mother." but in the original draft it said, "dad just got hit by a minivan." ( laughter ) that's terrible. that's terrible, isn't it? >> yes. >> stephen: that's why they rewrote it. >> that's right. >> stephen: these aren't last drafts. these are first drafts. how is this working out for you? >> it's good. >> stephen: cool yourself off. have a little sip right there. right there. >> okay! >> stephen: okay. ( cheers and applause ) this is our last one right now. okay, last one right now. here's one. a really nice one.
it says, "happy mother's day to my beautiful wife." okay. but the first draft said, "i can't believe that judge let me marry my own mom." >> stephen: ooooh! again, again, this is why it's a first draft. >> that's right. >> stephen: no one would want to send that to anyone. >> no. >> stephen: no, they wouldn't. wendy, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: do you want to give a shout-out to your own mom as long as you're up there. >> happy mother's day, mom. i love you. >> stephen: oh, she's here! >> stephen: happy mother's day mom. that's it for "first drafts" and mother's day cards. thank you, wendy. and happy mother's day to all you moms out there. take the day to focus on you and take the next three days to fix everything that happened when you weren't manning the ship. we'll be right back with lily tomlin.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is a comedy legend who has been delighting audiences for over 40 years. she now stars with jane fonda in the netflix series "grace and frankie." please welcome the great lily tomlin! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. i rarely get a chance to hold the guest's hand all the way
over. it was nice. it was very warm and engaging. i like your sparkly outfit. it's like half-jacket, half-armor. >> it kind of makes me rock 'n' roll. >> stephen: a little bit. you are a little roc rock 'n' r. you've been making me laugh since 1969 when was "laugh in" on? when did i see you doing edith anne. >> it was 19-- it was in the midseason after that. it was the next fall. it was 1970 that edith came on. i did ernestine in '69. >> stephen: for 46 years qliewf been making me laugh not only that, but, of course, "9 to 5," again with your friend jane fonda and dolly parton. and, of course, "search for intelligent life in the universe." an incredible, brilliant broadway play that you won the tony for. >> yeah, that's right ( applause ). >> stephen: and now, and now, you're on a roll again because
you did "grandma" last year and now you're doing-- >> "grace and frankie." >> stephen: "grace and frankie" on netflix. congratulations. season two is available now. >> yes, as of today. >> stephen: as of today. okay. how did you get started? did you always want to be an actress or a comedian? what did you consider yourself? >> well, i put on shows when i was a little girl all my life. i lived in an old apartment house-- on the back porch. and i would sell tickets to the neighbors, you know. ( laughter ). >> stephen: really? >> yeah. i would make them pay, like, a dime or a quarter, whatever the going rate would have been. ( laughter ). >> stephen: for porch theater. >> yeah, porch theater. why didn't i call it that? >> stephen: well, it's never too late. it's never too late. >> but anyway, i gave that up when i went to college. i thought kids-- you don't make a living doing that. i was a blue-collar kid. you don't, you know, have so much fun making a living. you have to, like, do something hard. >> stephen: so what were you going to do? >> i thought i'll be a doctor.
i really wanted to give to society. >> stephen: that's hard. >> but what i would have given them would have been kind of a big mess. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's not good from a doctor. you want to be kind of organized, yeah, exactly. what made the turn? were you actually in med school? >> no, i never got into med school. i was in a microbiology class with a girl who was voted prettiest girl when i graduated high school, and she-- she was my best friend, but she could be very empirruous, very grand. >> stephen: pretty people. >> but then she could be really ordinary like susie sorority, kind of dufus. one day i was addicted to smelling xylene, which is an oily, mergent slide solvent. >> stephen: can you get high on it? can you get high on it? >> i imagine if you could get your hands on enough of it you could. it was meeted out in littley tiny heavy glass bottle s.
>> stephen: if they gave you a little, i that means it was te good stuff. >> that's right. i would fill up my bottle two or three times a day. >> stephen: and you were huffing xylene. >> yes -- >> go ahead, go ahead. this is an intervention, by the way, this interview. okay? >> that would be good. anyway, i took-- i took my compass point, you know, and i was sort of inhailing xylene and throwing my compass point into a wooden lab table. >> stephen: so you were inhailing xylene and stabbing a table. okay, okay. getting ready for med school, as you do. ( laughter ). >> anyway, she turned to me and she said, "i just abhor mindless vandalism." very grand. and she said, "i'm going to do read for "the mad woman for shio." "you should come along there are some small parts. >> stephen: she was throwing some shade at you? >> she was. i forgave her because that's part of my largess.
so she-- so i went over to the theater and i-- and i was too terrified. i didn't know how to audition even though i had been performing. i was the world's first performance artist. i would do a tap dance. i would do some ballet-- not sequentially because that would have been too boring. i would-- i would mix it up. i would imitate my father coming home loded. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> and i would cut a rope in two and restore it. you probably know how to do that. >> stephen: i don't. ( laughter ) well, well, now you're performing with jane fonda in "grace and frankie." >> yeah. >> stephen: and we have a clip here. it's you, the two of you-- you look like you're at a spa or something like that. and you're two women whose husbands have left each other to be with each other. they've come to realize their homosexual attraction to each other. >> right. >> stephen: and you were left to remake your own live.
>> we were in our 70s. >> stephen: jim, let's look at that clip. >> i think i know what would cheer you up, a little gossip. >> i hate gossip. who's it about? >> about a certain long-haired beaut wesparkling eyes and a devilish wit. me, it's about me. >> let me guess. you've had another altercation in your food cohelpop. >> yes, and i've also recently been kissed. by jacob. >> he kissed you! when? >> i ran into him at the farmer's market when i was stalking him at the farmer's market. >> how was the kiss? >> my cheek is still tingling. >> stephen: i like that relationship. i like that. ( applause ). >> yeah. >> stephen: you know. you're 70 but you're like two girls talking to each other. >> well, we are. that's how women are, you know. >> stephen: you've been an adult for a while now. ( laughter ) yeah. >> well, most days. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. do you ever miss being a kid? >> yeah, gosh, i mean, when--
when i was a kid, i used to talk to my stuffed animals, and now i feel like they're not even really listening. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wouldn't if be great if there was a place we could go and be a kid again. >> it would be so great if you didn't have to know what you know now. >> >> stephen: as an adult. >> if that place existed -- >> stephen: but that place does exist, lily. >> really. >> stephen: it's called my blanket fort. >> stephen: hey, lily? >> yeah? >> >> stephen: hey, i was just thinking, i bet that when you're older and you get the grown-up menu at the restaurant, the mazes are way harder. ( laughter ) >> he, stephen?
>> yeah, what? >> guess what? >> stephen: what, what? >> the tooth fairy has the exact same handwriting as my mom. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow. you know what that means? >> yeah, they went to the same school. ( laughter ) hey, do you know what puberty is? >> stephen: i heard it's a summer camp where they make you do pushups until your voice changes. ( laughter ) >> i heard it's a pill you take that makes you need different pants. ( laughter ) >> stephen: the other day i asked my dad what "porking" means. >> what did he say? >> stephen: he said it's
something not very nice that men and women do. >> my dad calls that visiting grandma. >> stephen: hey, hey, lily,. >> what? ( mumbling ) i was asking you if you could understand what i'm saying right now. no, no? >> yeah, i could understand. you were saying your dad likes to teach you how to embroider. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's true, that's true. that's true. hey, you know what i heard, lily? >> what. >> stephen: i heard that season 2 of "frankie ( bleep )-- i just said the word ( bleep ). i just said the word ( bleep ). don't tell mom! don't tell my mom i said ( bleep ).
>> i am gonna tell her. >> stephen: don't tell her. >> i will tell her. >> stephen: don't tell her, i said that. >> hey, mrs. colbert! >> stephen: shhh! shhh! if you-- if you tell her i said ( bleep ), i'm not going to tell anybody that season 2 of "grace and frankie" is on netflix. lily tomlin, everybody, we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) olay regenerist renews from within... plumping surface cells for a dramatic transformation -without the need for fillers. your concert tee might show your age...your skin never will. olay regenerist. olay. ageless. and try the micro-sculpting cream you love... ...now with lightweight spf 30
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gold chain. >> i've had it for a while. i just throw it on every now and then. >> none of that is true. i definitely would have noticed. >> listen, i've been working hard and making money for the first time, i thought i deserve something nice,un. >> but instead of that, you bought a chain? >> you're just jealous of have a salary, quitter. >> and you are too legit to quit. amc, hamas. later chain the virgin. >> stephen: please welcome kumail ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. thank you for being here. we have not seen each other in seven years. >> seven years. >> stephen: for those of you who are deep cut the old show "the colbert report" you might
recognize you can mail, because we established i had my own gitmo under my desk. when president obama said he was going to close gitmo-- still waiting. >> did he not mail the papers off. >> stephen: he forgot to file. on my show i realized i had to release all the prisoners from underneath my desk, and there was only one, and it was you. ( applause ) yeah. yeah. >> i-- i just quit my job. i had moved to new york from chicago. my parents were terrified. >> stephen, of course,. >> they wasn't going to do anything, and i called them to tell them i was on the show. and they were very excited. and they were like, "what are you playing?" and i was like, a guatanamo bay prisoner. is that good?" >> stephen: were they okay with it? >> they thought it was hilarious when they saw the bit. and i came back and they were like, "what are you playing now?
and i said, "i'm playing a food delivery guy." >> stephen: you're from pakistan yourself, you're pakistani. >> nobody whoood. >> stephen: we always have one person from pakistan. >> you already had me. you didn't have to, like, double up. >> stephen: didn't know. >> also, usually, we like to keep a low profile. nobody ever is like, "pakistan! whoo! opening so many doors. >> stephen: was it a culture shock coming from pakistan to the united states? >> yeah. i mean -- yeah. >> stephen: i've never been to pakistan? >> it's very different over here. you guys have walmart greeters and stuff. it's weird. but i had never shaken hands with a woman till i was 18. we don't-- like in pakistan we're not shaking hands with women. and-- ( laughter ) so i came and i remember-- because, you know, i prepped. i had seen movies and stuff. i was like i sort of get-- >-->> you had seen moviees of
people shaking hands. >> yeah, like in the middle of the night, when my parents were asleep, just put on the video of -- >> sure, sure. >> sometimes three, four people shaking hands together. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. ( laughter ) ( applause ) maybe something crazy like itsy-bitsy spider. >> no! they're going to have to blur that. >> stephen: who was the first woman you shook hands with? >> i was terrified. i showed up. >> and noticed men ask women shaking hands and i was avoiding situations -- >> stephen: where was this at a-- >> iowa. >> stephen: pay party? it was in iowa? you moved from pakistan to iowa? >> i thought all of america was one thing. your movies don't show iowa. you see new york and l.a. >> stephen: no, no, only "field of dreams." >> well, i missed that one, because i would have been like, "all right, anywhere but there." ( laughter ) i loved iowa. >> stephen: there's a lot of pork in iowa, that can't be good. >> not good, terrifying. >> stephen: exactly. handshaking and pork. terrible. so take me through the moment when you shook hands.
>> so i go and i'm sort of avoiding situation where's i'm going to have to shake hands with the woman and a girl comes up to me pay party, and she's like, "hey--" and i know her name and i'm not going to say it. first name was ( bleep ). >> stephen: last name was? >> we will bleep it, right? >> stephen: sure. >> her name is ( bleep ). >> stephen: i'm not bleepg na. >> no, no! don't do this! >> stephen: there's no way i'm bleepg that. >> she's out and about in the real world. >> stephen: what will happen. what's the worst thing that will happen. is it a crime to shake your hand? what's wrong? >> she'll find out what was going on in my head while i was shaking her hand. >> stephen: so there's more to the story. you're shake her hand. >> before i'm shaking the hand she comes up and says, "hi, i'm ( bleep )." bleep that, too. please do. and i'm so nervous. i feel like i'm back there almost shaking her hand. so she goes, "hey, i'm ( bleep )." and i'm like, "hey."
how do you shake hands with a woman? if i squeeze too hard, what happens? she, like, reached out her hand. and i kind of looked at it, and then, like, i shook her hand. and i-- someone almost clapped. it of it felt like applause from the heavens. it felt like a home run! ( laughter ) ( applause ). ( cheers ) >> stephen: so what part of that-- and then you were a man. ( laughter ). >> yeah. since then, you know, i've shaken many women's hands. and -- >> wow. man of the world. man of the world. >> yeah. >> stephen: well, congratulations, "silicon valley" is an incredible show. >> oh, my god you watch it. >> stephen: yes. >> thank you. that means so much to me. >> stephen: i understand you actually have a degree in computer sciences. >> that's racist. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: wait a second. is it-- is it true? is it true? >> well -- >> is it true? >> okay, you can be correct and racist. ( laughter )
>> stephen: no, you can't! no, you can't! philosophy and computer science i understand are your majors. >> that's right. >> stephen: is it racist to think you might be a philosophy major? >> no. i am-- i was both. >> stephen: did you ever work as an i.t. guy? >> come on, stephen! really. >> stephen: now that is racist-- >> i did. >> stephen: you did. that's why you're so accurate. you play the part so beautifully. >> but i was pad at it so that breaks the stereotype. >> stephen: i guess so. >> i was horrible at it. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> oh, my god. thank you so much for having me. >> stephen: "silicon valley" airs on sundays on hbo. kumail nanjiani, everybody. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. it's friday, and that means it's time for another edition of "friday night fights," where we pit any two things against each other. for instance, the alien from "alien" vs. ellen from "ellen." then you choose the winner on twitter. remember, on twitter, it's winner take all, minus prizes and actual winning. this is... >> audience: friday night fights! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "friday night fights." let's look at the results from last week's fight against jessica williams, which pitted the morton salt girl against cap'n crunch. i went with the morton salt girl, and the winner was cap'n crunch with 57% of the vote. ( cheers and applause )
can use his prize money to have his eyebrows surgically attached to his head. now, it's time to meet this week's opponent. he's a political analyst and host of msnbc's "the last word." let's see if he can land the last punch. put your hands together for lawrence o'donnell! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: laurence, thanks so much for being here. have a seat, my friend. all right. laurence, good to you have here. you're strong, you're a formidable opponent. you know how "friday night fights" works, don't you? >> i argue for a living. >> stephen: so do i, my friend. let's get it on. are you ready o do this? >> i am ready to do this. >> stephen: you don't just talk about politics. you were a political operative for the democrats. you lived it, breathed it? how is everybody at msnbc doing with trump being the nominee? do you have to be hosed down at the end of the show? >> we made history this week. it's the first major party
nominee who has threatened to sue me. >> stephen: trump threatened to sue you? >> i was the first person he threatened to sue -- >> that's an honor. >> on twitter. >> stephen: congratulations, congratulations. >> on twitter. five years ago. >> stephen: well, you know politics. tonight we have a classic match-up that combines american presidents and american superheroes. let's go. it's jimmy carter with adamantium claws versus george h.w. bush with laser vision. let's go to the tale of the tape, starting with jimmy carter with adamantium claws weighing in at 185 pounds, plus another 200 for the full metal skeleton. strengths include southern charm, compassion for all, and 20-inch blades that will gut you like a trout. weaknesses include airport metal detectors and ronald reagan. he's taking on the 41st president, george h.w. bush with laser vision. coming in at 175 pounds, the kennebunkport crusher's strengths include the charm of old money, impeccable manners,
and beams of energy blasting from his face. weaknesses include readable lips and dana carvey did a better him than he did. all right, laurence, you see who we've got, who do you like in this fight. >> i think this one is easy, admantium claws, always go with the -- >> you're going with jimmy carter. >> jimmy carter with admantium claws. jimmy carter without admantium claws-- but with admantium claws -- >> you think you can beat george h.w. bush with laser vision? >> strongest metal in the world it can deflect anything including laser. >> stephen: if you're fast enough to stop it and can get the claws out of his mands. >>y just keep it up here -- >> he'll scratch his own face off, come on. >> he's had them for a while, obviously. it's not his first night with admantium claws, right. >> stephen: he's never shot them out of his hands before because he only has the claws. i didn't say he had the regenerative power of wolverine.
he shoots them out of his hands, bleeds out, game over. they know. >> he has another semisecret weapon. >> stephen: what's that? >> he has two great-grandchildren, they never leave his side, two little boys, expait 10 years old. now, what we know about george h.w. bush, very brave man, combat concern -- >> world war ii. personally took down tojo and his boys. >> but a very decent man with those two children right in front of jimmy carter as a human shield all the time. ( laughter ) do we -- >> you're saying carter is going to use his grandchildren as a human shield. >> he's in it to win it, stephen. >> stephen: i'll tell yu he won't win because the first time he hears some poor person need help he'll run off and build them a house. carter is going to get distracted and then h.w. will take the kids hostage, and we know carter and hostage situations he's paralyzed. he doesn't know what to do. he'll go to the rose garden and give up. in your fantasy world, even if
carter does win, h.w. has a son who will spend trillions of dollars to beat someone who beat his daddy. >> and those two great-grandchildren are still going to be there for h.w. to try to take on. >> stephen: you're living in a fantasy world. >> i dare double you to take on -- >> and the cubs win. okay. okay. let's see what they think. they get to be the ultimate judge. head to twitter and vote. who would win: jimmy carter with adamantium claws versus george h.w. bush with laser vision? the polls close wednesday at midnight. laurence i want to thank you for being here. >> it was a pleasure beating you. >> stephen: i'll see you in hell. that does it for... >> audience: friday night fights! >> stephen: we'll be right back with comedian ryan hamilton. well played, my friend. well played.
i drive to the hoop. i drive a racecar. i have a driver. his name is carl. but that's not what we all have in common. we talked to our doctors about treatment with xarelto®. xarelto® is proven to treat and help reduce the risk of dvt and pe blood clots. xarelto® is also proven to reduce the risk of stroke in people with afib, not caused by a heart valve problem. for people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto® and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. you know, taking warfarin, i had to deal with that blood testing routine. i couldn't have a healthy salad whenever i wanted. i found another way. yeah, treatment with xarelto®. hey, safety first. like all blood thinners, don't stop taking xarelto®
without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. while taking, you may bruise more easily and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. xarelto® may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. xarelto® can cause serious and in rare cases, fatal bleeding. get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising, or tingling. if you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto®, watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. do not take xarelto® if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. before starting xarelto®, tell your doctor about any kidney, liver, or bleeding problems. xarelto® is the number one prescribed blood thinner in its class. well that calls for a round of kevin nealons. make mine an arnold palmer. same here. with xarelto® there is no regular blood monitoring and no known dietary restrictions. treatment with xarelto® was the right move for us. ask your doctor about xarelto®.
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as an educator, it's all about connections. you're not just in the classroom; you're part of the community. you meet these tiny kids every year, and you help them learn and grow. but you also get to know their families, and over the years they become a part of your life, and you become a part of theirs. when you build those connections, you can accomplish some pretty amazing things. i'm jackie kruzik and i'm proud to be a new jersey educator. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: my next guest is a
very funny man who's been named one of "rolling stone's" "five comics to watch." please welcome ryan hamilton. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> wow, thank you! this is nice. it's-- it's nice to talk to people. ( laughter ) i don't talk to anybody. i don't talk to anybody all day, and then i talk to a lot of people, like, millions today, and them i don't talk to anybody. it's a weird way to live. i feel like i'm waking up out of a dead sleep into a sprint, you know. i'm jason bourning into every conversation. i tried to cancel my gym membership. you have ever heard of a lazier statement in your life than, "i tried to cancel my gym membership?" you cannot get out of this. i've walked off street gangs easier than cancelling gym memberships. i called this guy, and he said, "if you really want to cancel, there are two ways." no, there's just one way. ( laughter ) i tell you, and then you do it.
that's it. that's the only way. we're actually halfway done right now. ( laughter ) if you would just meet me in the middle, we could close the case on this one you know. he said, "the first way is you can come in and cancel in person." nope. ( laughter ) it's not that one. you want to have a meeting? what is that conversation going to be? "as you can see i spent $2600 on four workouts." now, from where i'm standing, the grounds for cancellation are pretty solid, you know. i've been crunch something numbers over here, and i'm on a quarterly workout plan, and it's feeling a little financially irresponsible so if you could please just let me out, please, let me out. i don't use my gym. do you use your gym? i warned in every three months and go, "i don't know how to do
this." my entire workout the whole thing-- this is the discipline i have-- the whole thing is based on whatever machine is open. that's how i do it. i walk around like a lost toddler for three and a half minutes, and then i go, "i guess i'm going to do neck today. just going to do all neck." ( applause ) yeah. i'm just going to bang out a few on the scoliosis machine over here. "hey, should i sign another waiver, because this feels dangerous." ( laughter ) that's all i do. i do three sets of neck, both sides, and then i go home. and it costs $750. so if you could please let me out, just please. he said, "if you don't want to come in and canc nel person, there's a second way." oh, i'm on pins and needles over here. i can't wait to hear about the second way to cancel my gym
membership. this is what he said-- "you can write a letter." he didn't laugh after he said that. write a letter? i was furious. you know why? because i didn't sign this contract during the civil war. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we don't write letters-- i don't even know how. do you know how? i was at home goog ling "how do you write a letter?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) "dear my gym, i feel the time has come for us to part ways. although your neck machine has proven challenging, i feel the cost has become exorbitant. furthermore, we spoke on the phone on tuesday, and this
letter is redundant. please let me out. sincerely private ryan t. hamilton." ( cheers and applause ) thank you. if someone asks you to write a letter in 2016, they're bullying you. that's how-- i felt bully. i had to buy 50 envelopes in order to write... ( laughter ) i don't even have letter writing stuff. i was wandering around my apartment going, "maybe i could make an envelope our something like that. maybe i could cull together some of these raw material. but i have 49 envelopes left. it is a lifetime of envelopes. my children's children will have envelopes. they'll be talking stories about
how their grandfather walked to the cvs in a full-on rage and brought back this now-tattered box of envelopes so that we could also cancel our gym memberships. and by the way, he had to walk by his gym in order to purchase them. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. you've been really great. i appreciate it. thank you. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: he's now on tour all over the country. ryan hamilton, everybody! we'll be right back.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in monday when my guests will be kaley cuoco, dan savage, and a musical performance by "the national." good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> reggie: ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right ♪ it's the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from ashland, oregon, give it up for your host.